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May, 26 2021 at 5:22 pm

I was sexually abused the first time when I was 6 going on 7... by a 14/15 year old... by 10 i was telling sex stories during library hour and reading rape scenes from Clan of the Cave Bear to my classmates in a hidden corner. I was afraid to touch a guy again til 17...then at 19 my 2nd bf was abusive.. more physically. but also sexually.. i got rid of him.. literally paid him to go to Florida and moved and changed my number (it was private until 2 years ago when i found out he is dead)... my professor at school was hitting on me and grabbing me at the time and parents thought I shouldn't be a music major. they cut off funding so i became an exotic dancer... at this point only 2 BFs ever... and couldn't really date.. til around the end... then i got roofied while waiting for a gf who was late at a bar and passed around at a party... . that's when i went crazy... from 3 at 22 to over 80 by 26... married for a few years and then divorced by 30... over the next 4 years there had to be at least 50...married again... have a kid... divorced again after 3 years.... i love my kid... i still like hurting myself... i also fantasize about rape... now its almost intoxicating.. ive set up my own rapes... hotel rooms what not.. since then... i like to fight back.. i never got to when it really happened... i didn't know better at age 6, and when i was 22 (and again at 33) I was roofied.... i COULDN'T fight back.. so now the biggest sexual high i can get is to play "home invasion" if a guy can't hit me (in the bedroom) i can't date them.... i need abuse to enjoy sex sometimes... if i don't get it after a while... i go crazy...