TheOneTheyCallMe
June, 23 2021 at 1:25 am

I believe this is confirmation of what my soon-to-ex-wife is going through. We dated for 3 years and were living married together for almost 5 when she left me for co-workers she'd hadn't even known 3 months. I never wanted a divorce and still don't. But, it's been almost 4 years now and she's had a string of relationships since then, moved to another state for one, and then moved back for another. Then she ended up moving back to our hometown in a place her father fixed up for her and her newborn. The baby daddy is from a neighboring state and not involved (which apparently how she wants it).
I still get confused and well up with tears & questions when I try to make sense of it all. Not a month before she left we were discussing buying a 2nd car, getting a place to call our own, and to finally start our own family for which we already had names for. Little notes and messages of affection were around, too. Then one day before work, she didn't want me to drive her and instead opted for the bus (over an hour ride as apposed to <15 minutes). Odd, I thought. Then, on her way to work, I get the text that pulled the rug from underneath me. She no longer wanted to be married. It hit me hard and I struggled terribly. Fell into a deep depression which led to losing an extremely promising career and drug addiction. I do not blame her for either. I'm almost out of it now and doing somewhat better. We've seen each other twice since she left. Almost 2 years after the first time I saw her, she wanted to see me in person. She was pregnant. I knew it before we even met up as we always seemed to be on the same frequency. Her adopted mother even said before we were married that it was "uncanny how well we got each other." It was true. We even had our own vocabulary to convey things to each other in public as well as in private. One such term, 'soulfly', came out of a desire to not need to say, "That's exactly what I was thinking!" We said it often. Parting for the day had its own ritual of back & forth phrases that to anybody else would seem childish if not plain gibberish.
We liked messing with people, too. Once we were having one of our game nights and a newly made friend, who was diabetic, needed to take an insulin shot in the kitchen. In a loud (but not yelling) voice I asked her from the kitchen to the livingroom, "You ok if Ben shoots up in the kitchen?" Without missing a beat & already knowing what I was doing, she replied, "Sure! Not a problem." After the guests quietly looked at each other in wide-eyed disbelief that we could possibly be letting someone use drugs openly, we both busted up into laughter.
Our first time seeing each other after she left was at a particular convection which we had volunteered at for the previous 5 years together. I was a few hours away living with some family with no job and no money. She had worked up to be 2nd in command over the entire convention (I would have been a department lead if I knew I was going to make it) and hit me up asking if I was coming. I told her I couldn't afford the gas. After a while she texted me saying she had found a room for me to stay and would pay for the gas & food while I was there. Thinking this was a chance at reconsoliation, I happily showed up. We even got intimate at one point. However, the worst thing happened: I was on medication I had not been told amplifies the effects of alcohol. At the dance of the final night, I decided to have 2 drinks. I blacked out. The next day she was furious and I was extremely embarrassed. I left for home early with my tail between my legs feeling as though I blew my chance. The following day she changed her name on Facebook. We'd been apart for a few months and that's when she decided to change her name. It's also the only time I've been drunk since she left.
I hope it's not just me, but it seemed like she still cared. We've almost been apart as long as we were married and I still think about her everyday. Course, a little distance HAS given me the clarity of mind to see the red flags going back to our dating years. But, even then, the issues had been addressed and gotten past as far as I was concerned. I dunno.
One big flag was the fact she's never sought or had any kind of counseling or therapy for her past. She didn't even want pre-marital counseling which, looking back, I should have not let go of so easily.
If anyone has ever had something like this happen, here's some advice I've gotten along the way from other people with traumatic backgrounds: it's not your fault and you cannot fight those battles for them. They cannot be forced to do anything regarding their trauma and to be frank, it's none of your business. It's their fight and their decision to seek help and must come from within themselves. It cannot be forced and do not attempt to (I didn't just to be clear). Encourage and support them, but do not tell them they need therapy or anything like it. Ask if there's anything you can do and listen. If they don't have anything for you, don't bring it up again. It's tender, volitile baggage that does not involve you. Just be a loving person and carry on as normal as you can. They may still sabotoge the relationship and believe me when I say I know what it's like to not have anything to do about it. Hurt people hurt people whether knowingly, on purpose, or not. Stay strong and try to remain as stable as you can. Knowing they can rely on you goes father than you may ever know even if the relationship ends.