I feel a little bit relieved that I am not the only person experiencing blackouts and all the aweful things that come with it even though these stories are quite sad. I am one too to black out easily... I am in need of wanting to talk to someone about the experiences I have been dealing with. Its funny because I never used to black out this easily but this year has been awful every time I have consumed liquor.
I have 3 short stories to tell and one long one.
The first not so bad time was I think in May when I was at my boyfriend's friend's kids birthday party. I ended up mixing a little of cognac and tequila and I was told I was just dancing around silly and what not, so it wasn't all that bad, but my boyfriend wasnt that happy about it.. And mind you he is not a drinker. He just doesn't like it and doesn't choose to drink. Which is good. But I woke up the next morning and forgot how we got home or when we even left.
The second occurrence was a little worse. It was now the next month and we had a graduation celebration for my boyfriend's friend that was at a house. We're all hanging outside, nothing too crazy. Vibes are good or whatever. I feel like sometimes when me and my boyfriend is out together he doesn't really hang out with me much, so wherever he is at the event I always have to go to him just to check in or see what hes doing.. Its kind of annoying sometimes but I wanted to have a good time. Im honestly a homebody, I don't go out much at all and I don't have any friends so I only go to events my boyfriend gets invited to with his friends. I wasn't going to drink that much, but I feel like its hard when everyone around you is just like "shot shot shot" every like 10 mins or so. So Im taking shots and next thing you know I have a little blackout. I was wearing a low tank top that I had to always pull up during the time and I guess I was tryna be funny when my bra was showing to some of the girls I was sitting with drinking, and I slipped out my nipples to them a couple times. I guess I was also being too friendly with some like random fat guys dancing around - not with them - but also taking snapchats with them on their phones or something (which I wanna say they are absolutely not my type and not the least bit attractive to me) anyways I guess I was being a little too "ratchet" and embarrassing my boyfriend so he decided to just drop me off at home and on the way to the car I guess I threw up in the driveway and he ofc had to carry and drag me in the house. I didn't know he went back to the party but when he came back home to wake me up and confronted me about what I did and what had happened I was still drunk. And being confronted I didnt know what to do so I just said "okay don't be with me then" and so he dropped me off to my moms down the street that night and we took a little break.
*SIDE STORY OF OUR RELATIONSHIP*
(this is me venting I guess)
Mind you.. our relationship has been very toxic on and off for 3 years and although this year has been better than all the other years we have been together, there is obviously still things we needed to work on... those 3 years used to always be on him because he used to treat me like crap due to his breakup with his ex wife that he was with since for like ever which he has a kid with and now barely sees only so often.. and when I met and got with him I had to deal with all the damage and all the bad that came with it. I went through literally hell and back with him, but we could never let each other go for some reason. He knew how he treated me, but didn't come to realization of it only when had our breakups. At the time, he had only loved me because I loved him. Because I stuck around and dealt with it all.
The last big breakup that we had was last year probably around the same time as now, he had pushed me to my limits of not understanding how I felt about alot of situations and so we decided to cut it off and I was absolutely heartbroken this time. I was a mess and I was slowly getting over him as time went by. But of course, the usual happened, and he had realized all I have done for him and all the things I wanted good out of the relationship like more quality time spent, simply just doing things together and other things. He was extremely depressed, he wasn't himself, wasn't eating well, wasn't all there. He was smoking weed and casually drinking (which he NEVER does) but because he thought he had finally lost me this time. He even asked for my hand in marriage 🙄. I didnt fall for it but he kept at it for months trying to talk to me and beg for me back. My heart honestly just wasnt there for him at the moment.. I was already slowly healing from the break up and wanted to get over him. But after weeks and a month or so of that, that went by.. I gave in. We promised to make this relationship better and really make it work this time. And so we did. In December when we got back together and it was NYE after the countdown, he asked me to be his girlfriend again. There was still some things that happened shortly after we got back together, but we didn't give up. And I knew he really loved me this time...
*anyways back to my drunk occurrences*
So back when I had the second occurrence of my drinking becoming a problem, I was so sad about what I did, I wanted to try my best to fix it and even though he was very upset still about the situation, he gave me a chance to make it right. I told him "maybe I do have a drinking problem. I will really quit this time and that will be it. I want to be better from it and learn from this." And so every event that we had come to I told everybody no. Im not drinking, I quit. Blah blah.
*SECOND SIDE STORY TO MY VENTING*
(I promise this all connects to my occurrences you just need back story lol)
Now its maybe.. July-August.. and now we're kind of going back to same pattern. Lack of effort with him and me being misunderstood. No quality time spent with each other anymore. He has been going through alot of things that I have always tried to make better about it. Hes been unemployed since February and he hasnt wanted to look for a job because he has now been dealing with plague psoriasis that has taken over his scalp, skin, nails and it all. Hes been depressed for months about it and just kind of sits home and play video games all day. Hes been insecure about it and feels embarrassed if he tried to go back to look for a job and get interviewed and all that. And I feel for him. I understood. I took care of him. I was also unemployed at the time and months before that, actually when we broke up in October last year, I lost my job due to being laid off from the pandemic. I searched around for jobs for months and finally landed a good job at the end of April (just in time for his birthday), for great pay and just about 5-10 mins from me. I was happy, I even started going to the gym and really worked on myself. I even bought him a whole pc setup. The desk, the chair and some new headphones. He had the pc already (which I won for him in a raffle) and monitors he has already. It was great. He loved it. Anyways those few months was great. Everything was going good until our relationship kind of slipped up. I was starting to do everything by myself again. All he would pay attention to was the video games and I was sick of it. Come to find out he was playing with some girl on one of these games. Almost every day that I had no aware of. I confronted him about it and he said "ok fine. Im not gonna argue with you about. If you dont like it then ok". Which means what? I was assuming he wasnt going to play or make conversation with her but he still did continuously. Knowing that I know and how I felt about it along with how i felt about our relationship slowly going sideways again. And so because I felt he didn't care and wasn't taking my feelings into consideration. I slowly started to drink again. I broke my promise. I know. To myself. And him. But I was angry. And so stressed out with our relationship. If he was doing whatever. I was going to do it too. Also during this time I had lost my job again due to my company not having much work to do for me. So now I am behind on bills, and in debt and so much more... anyways,
The third occurrence we had another kids birthday of his friend's to attend. And I decided to take a drink. I wanna say this was sometime beginning of September. I was drinking tequila this time and even though I was sort of drinking a little much, I was able to control my drinking. Towards the end of the night was a litttle fuzzy but I was aware and lasted longer than I usually do lol I was even able to tell my boyfriend I was ready to go home.. either before or after I threw up.. but yeah. The next morning he was showing signs he was upset but it was whatever to me. I wasn't acting crazy or being embarrassing. I thought I handled pretty well.
We had an arguement maybe a few weeks later after I brought something up to him and he had brought up how I broke my promise. But I only did that cos he wasnt taking consideration of my feelings! He was slowly not caring about the relationship anymore. And I just wanted to let loose a little! After that discussion, that was that.
After that last time I drank I only casually drank at home with his family or just by myself. Maybe a truly or some soju, tequila one night. But I wasnt acting like anything. I did fall asleep one night in the bathroom tho so I dont think he was too happy about that.
Ugh now. My last occurrence which was this past weekend on Saturday. (im trying to breathe as I vent this one out...) it was his mothers cultural blessing ceremony. We're asian so we had monks come to the house to bless his parents marriage. I wasnt sure if I wanted to drink because I actually drank the day before with my mom and her friends just a little bit but came back home early so I could wake up early for the ceremony. My stomach was a little uneasy so I didnt really want to. But my boyfriend's sister.. invited his babymother to the house. She had came after the monks had left and the ceremony was kind of already over. But I had to pretend I was okay with her being there. Now Im not bitter, and I don't care for her. But I did feel some type of way about her being there for something that should only be friends and family. Unless it didn't have anything to do with his daughter (which she could have just dropped off if my boyfriend wanted her there), I felt she didn't need to be there. Once again I felt I wasnt taken into consideration. And even though he wasn't the one to invite her and I really don't have a say in who should be invited because that is his family, why wasn't I slightly even considered about? Anyways, she left after staying for a couple hours. And we started drinking. Everything was fine and dandy. I checked on him like I usually do since he doesn't really hang around with me.. I was fine one minute, the next.. everything terrible has gone wrong. I completely blacked out. I guess his babymother had came back that night to hang out. Mind you this is all just friends and family. I was now bothered by it because why is she even here lol. And because of all the stress that I have been bottling in for so long, with our relationship, and things I have been dealing with on my own in my life, and how I felt about her being there.. I went absolutely crazy. I didnt know anything of what I did or what I woke up from my blackout. Heres what happened..
I guess it all started with me seeing or finding out that his babymother came back to hang out. I was told I was crying and tripping about her and making it a big deal that she was there even tho they weren't doing anything or really making contact at all. I was being drunk and aggressive. I knocked over drinks on the table on purpose and so some teenage kids that was there, his niece's they went to bring me upstairs and from what I remember thats when I slightly woke up from my blackout. I was changed out of my dress and in sweatpants and a tanktop so I dont remember changing but they weren't letting me out of the room. They were keeping me from going back downstairs because I guess I was so drunk they just wanted me to stay in my room so I don't cause trouble. (Oh yeah I forgot to mention that we live with his family) But anyways I was still so upset I guess about his babymother being there and was even more upset that they wouldnt let me go downstairs.. (his neices are about 13-14 years old) I guess I hit one of them trying to get out the way, I was saying something nasty and inappropriate to them, I told them I was going to jump out the window if they wouldnt let me go. I guess one of them used my phone to call my mom to pick me up and they called his sister to come because I was acting crazy. Like literally crazy. And so I guess I finally was able to go downstairs and (oh I also forgot to mention that he was also drinking. And he doesnt drink, so he was also very drunk at the time), I guess I got into his face, and he pushed me and I fell and tripped over something. Mind you this is all in front of everyone and his friends. I guess I tried to take my karaoke machine that they were using but failed to. Now I don't remember how I got outside but I was outside barefoot and I was so angry that I climbed on top of his car, in the rain, trying to smash his windshield with my hand and my arm as hard as I could saying, "Why why why." Thats when I ran into his sister and her friend, which is the mother of one of the girls that was also upstairs. My mom got there when all this happened outside and his sister dragged me to her to get into the car. I was sobbing and still screaming about whatever I was feeling. I finally got home to my moms house and I was sitting there balling my eyes out questioning myself. Repeating out to her saying that I loved him, why doesnt anybody care, why doesnt he love me, why am I always the bad person. All this stuff.
The next morning.. I felt like absolute, complete crap. I was hungover, my hand and arm was bruised and I only remember slightly what happened. I didn't know all of what I did until Monday when I decided to gain clarity from his sister. After she had told me, my heart sank.
What is wrong with me. Seriously!! This is probably the worst of the worst blackout drunk experiences I have ever had. And I would have NEVER thought I would ever act like how I did. Doing that to the kids, saying inappropriate stuff to them, trying to go out the window, going downstairs to make a fool out of my self some more. I guess I even threw fish sauce at someone. Like ugh. I am absolutely disgusted with myself. I havent been able to sleep or eat. And if I do sleep my sleeping schedule is all messed up so Im mostly up at night and sleeping during the day. I been depressed ever since this happened and once again I have made made a fool out of myself because of not being able to control my drinking. Fine one min, doing something crazy while blacked out the next. And I just wanna say I was never like this beforehand, last year and so on. I used to be able to drink and be able to hang but no matter how many times I have tried to limit myself and tell myself to just have a good time dont push it, it never works out. Along with so much happening in my life already- losing my job once again, being so behind on my bills, and in debt, my credit score going down, not to mention that now that my boyfriend and I have broken up because of this, I am back at my moms but It don't feel the same. It doesn't feel like home. She made my room into a stroage room/her closet, and moved the furniture around. All of my things are still currently at his house along with my cats that I cant bring to my moms because she had just gotten rid of the fleas that my cats had when I brought them over to visit, and I don't know if they're fully gone to bring them back over. Not to mention that my mom has been using my car since February because shes been without a car since and I let her use mine while I was using my boyfriends because he didnt need it for work or anything so I was using his car when I was working at the time. But now she wants to fully take over my car in no regards that the car is mine? Like.. Im obviously going to need my car back for a job I been trying to get. I am just going crazy and don't know what to do with myself. I won't forgive myself this time and Im sure my boyfriend won't either. We actually havent spoken at all since the occurrence, until I decided to send him a long voice memo yesterday (tuesday) apologizing and some other stuff. All he replied was "You’re not allowed here anymore. I’ll drop off your stuff when I have time." My heart hurts. His family probably hates me. I never thought I would become aggressive like I did and let something like that bother me. I don't want to blame the alcohol but you how could I have known what I was doing. When your so drunk like that and have your emotions take control of you, how can you stop somebody. And what Im even more hurt about is the fact that they just had some kids to bring me upstairs instead of my boyfriend himself or a family member. I wish somebody could have just pulled me aside to calm me down and talk to me instead of making feel and look even crazier. I just don't know what to do and honestly.. what I did is hurting me more than the breakup. I have never regretted anything more than this. Its absolutely killing me. I love my boyfriend more than ever, I can't picture being with anyone else, I would do anything and take a bullet for him. And as much as our relationship has been toxic, I go crazy not being able to be with him right now. But this is really all on me now. This is my fault. But in my heart I wish it would have been different if someone just cared enough. I will seem like the villain and the bad guy for now because of what I have done. But I was misunderstood... no one cared... No one will see how I felt or what I was going through to begin with....
Thank you for reading - if you did read. I know it was alot. I needed to vent because I have literally no one. No friends, no one to turn to for a shoulder to cry on... but I will continously beat myself up about this situation and I will never feel okay. And not having my boyfriend right now in my arms along with everything else happening in my life.. I don't know how I will feel okay. I don't know what to do with myself...
s.o.s. I been feeling like maybe it would be easier to end my life.