Hi,
I met my partner in college. During those years she was very confident and strong willed which I loved. Things broke don’t when i didn’t listen to her silent outcries for attention and then her behaviors which whispers before began to emerge. She shared the violent child rape at 12 only to be followed by an additional rape by the man she trusted with her violent sexual assault. This second attack lasted for some time and when she told me She described him as a boyfriend. There was her friend Steven who was also aware of the first attack but vague on whether he knew of the second but it appeared he was a vital character and had a further role to play in things to come.
However, moving forward, I was used to her being solidly grounded for a young woman. I think though this is what lead to cheating. I of course didn’t make it better because I didn’t believe the connection between cheating and victimization. She eventually told me more but my vision was skewed. I was locked on intent not symptom and my response made it no better. Somehow we got through it but not past it. However, since, we had a lovely and precious daughter though there have been abortions as well. Again, I accept not giving her the support she needed.
Recently, she cheated with a man whom she new as a child, likely the only one who believed her prompt outcries at the time - steven. She went to him seven months in confidence to express the stress and pressure she still endures. But even in her crisis state he engaged in a sexual affair with my partner. She admitted to me what continues to happen and said there are feelings for him involved. He was aware of me and our daughter.
In other times I would have been infuriated but I saw a pattern finally giving credence to past discussions about her promiscuity. All the men she was intimate with “using the term loosely” have this one thing in common - she shared her vulnerability wether the victimization or related stressors.
I couldn’t believe the revelation but I’m in a limbo. She has opened up after all these years. I believed she was maliciously planning it all now as in the passed. But I can’t just discard our relationship as I now understand more about her behavior. But I don’t know what’s next shy of counseling which did some good during our pregnancy but she failed to return. It was like she didn’t want to return. She immerses in her career as a special Ed teacher to the point of extreme exhaustion and it has taken a toll on our relationship since our daughter’s birth.
I am confused. I understand more because of the behavioral connections I’ve made but I don’t know where to turn. I want to save my family and I’m ready to accept all of it but I fear I am late. She says she want counseling but it reintroduction is a second priority sadly. And if I talk about it I feel it’s not well received. I believe I am at great fault here because I know I failed her for not making the connection sooner. I just love her dearly and want her to grow. Outwardly she is the perfect person until you peel the layers and see the hurt and the pain she endures.
I wanted her to report her attackers but she is reluctant as I think she protects them as with all her past lovers who entered her life under the guise of being a “listener”. Am I wrong with my interpretation of all this or am I just exhibiting hurt as well? What should I do to help my partner? How may I keep our daughter from feeling any of this? She feels something, that much is certain coupled with my partner’s incentive treatment of her at times. I have curved the usual Hispanic reaction to child misbehavior ( my partners childhood family household was more than typical for the time in child rearing). My partner rushes her and has expectations that seem off. I intervene many times and don’t believe they are the whims of an over protective father but this has become more common in recent years. Yet another concern I have.
Please give me direction. H.