Hello Tia,
I'm in love with a woman that I have known since we were kids. We're both almost 60, and we are in a long-distance relationship. She has opened up to me that she was sexually abused as a young teenager, by her grandfather. She has also revealed much of her sexual past to me, and as much as I try to be understanding, it bothers me. She claims she wasn't promiscuous, though she can't even remember an exact number of her past partners, and can only guess using a range of numbers. She was a teenage Mom (not the grandfather), and was in and out of relationships (no pun intended!) for her whole life. Many of them were much older men and being flings, and none have been the same age or younger, except for one that was much younger than her when she was in her 40's. I personally know 3 of the men, one of which was more than double her age which she was in her early 20's. She has gone from one man to another and back to a previous man several times in her past. I know she has had a rough life, she never had a father in her life, her grandfather raped her and her mother abandoned her all alone in a strange town. She was also in an early abusive marriage, a 2nd "in it for stability" non-loving marriage and a 3rd marriage where she was physically and sexually abused and raped by her husband on many occasions. So I know her life has been a living hell. She deals with depression, anxiety and bipolar disorder, and has attempted suicide on at least 2 occasions. I had a good family, which I am grateful for, but it makes relating to her past even more difficult. I haven't had many relationships, which also compounds my feelings of inadequacy. Even as I read what I am typing, I feel like a heel. I have self-diagnosed myself with having Retroactive Jealousy, all the symptoms are there. I expressed some shock and frustration to her about her sexual past and now it's a sore subject to try to discuss. I don't want those jealous feelings, and I want to give her the love she deserves. She's a wonderful woman, even though she has been in many terrible situations. My questions are:
1. Is it safe to assume that much of her sexual past (on many different levels...abuse, older men, seeking acceptance and confusing sex as love) was the result of her having been sexually abused as a child?
2. How can I get help for my jealousy? I know in order to be the man she deserves, I have to fix myself.
3. How can I help her deal with things that still bother her about her past? How do I rebuild the trust that I destroyed?
I appreciate any help you can give us.
RJ