I was sexually abused when I was 8 years old by a family friend. It went on for a year. He was bold enough to do it in another room with my parents in the livingroom! They trusted him that much. When I told my parents when I was 13 after having nightmares, they didnt believe me. No one called the cops or got me counseling and it was brushed under the rug. I then figured it was my fault. I became promiscuous and had to always have a boyfriend for fear of being alone. I experimented with drugs, was in a few abusive relationships and one night at a rave while I was high, I only remember waking up at a friend's house, not sure how I got home or how I had different clothes on. I believe something happened but I don't remember. I met my now husband 20 years ago and not long after we married I began sleeping with random guys. Ones that would tell me I was sexy. My husband was not very affectionate. Guys would give me compliments and it wouldn't take long before I slept with them. But when it happened I felt like I wasn't there mentally. I would lay there. Like I was off somewhere else. I have seen a counselor since then and me and my husband are still together but it's been a long road and still is hard. He asks me questions all the time, like why I didnt show remorse when I was with these men, why would I let them use me like that? I always feel I dont know how to explain it. I went into a deep depression a few years ago and have been on medication since. I think about what happened everyday. My abuser will never pay for what he did to me. I'm 41 years old and I still can remember what abuse I endured. I hate myself everyday for thr pain I caused my husband but I don't know how to explain why I slept with these men. I don't even understand it. I refuse to go places by myself unless I take one of our kids with us (they are teens), because I dont want a man to talk to me. Any advice?