I have severe chronic ptsd from being abused by a pedophile growing up,then marrying a crack addict,ending up on welfare living in a ghetto and being the only white woman there.Marrying another drunk ten years later,getting a criminal justice degree and then ending up institutionalized six times.the mental health system drugs me up,and the churches I go to tell me to forgive and just get over it.My only child that I raised alone is now a social worker and agnostic.thank God I have a husband who loves me.I am unable to ever work again,cannot volunteer,I sound like a crazy woman because even if I go to church with normal clean cut people I end up talking too much and they dont want to be around me.I cant stand hippies,addicts,drunks,liars,users,false teachers,takers,all of my life people have invaded my space and my personal boundaries.I am suicidal pretty much every three days or so.My earthly family have never really been there for me.I cant use a computer,manage money,be around evil tough people.I am fifty eight,no one gets my money,my body,or into my business unless they are invited in.I have gained eighty pounds.My hair has fallen out,and Im terrified to go to my mailbox.I have been around drugs and violence and abuse my entire life.I want to die now and go home.I barely have the strength to wash clothes,clean house,feed my dog,I get lost everywhere I go.I live in terroe every day of my life.I am on meds,when I tell anyone the word,NO,I mean dont come closer,period.End of sentence.Ive had so many abusers in my life I actually did try to commit suicide just to escape them.I am a tax paying American,I dont smoke drink or use drugs.I live in the same town I was raised in and nothing works.Ive had to physically peel people off of my body,my material things, and my money.The other night someone threw a rock in my window.If I get triggered it scares me for weeks.I do try to go walking,I atend a calm Baptist Church,but I do talk too much.No American should have to live like an animal.I cuss like a sailor and refuse recovery because I have to hear about the trama of others.I dont want to die this way.I go to a therapist once a week.Ive always tried to have a relationship with the lord but I dont trust Him,noe do I trust secular people either.I cant change,save,hold up enable excuse or condone ANY FORM OF ABUSE FROMANYONE.I stay mad.