I was about 8 or 9 when my step father started doing things to me, my mother had to of known because it was being done sometimes right in front of her. I was in I think middle school when I finally went to her and told her what was going on. She had him move out but almost 2 weeks later when I got home from school he was back. It was at that moment my mother removed herself from parenting and forced me to depend on this man for everything. Anything I needed I had to ask him, rides places he would take me. She basically served me to him on a platter. It sickened me but what choice did I have but to adapt. This was how life would be from then on, it became "normal" even though it wasn't at all normal. I tried escaping that house, that man, that world. Getting married at 17, moving to a new state but always ending back there. Having to call and ask him for help, having only him to go to for advice or to just talk. It was how I had to adapt and to survive. It's beyond sick I know this but if my mom wouldn't protect me then who would. Eventually I needed a job and who was there to give me one, with decent pay, good hours, medical but you him. So now in my early 20's with 2 kids I still find myself being cornered and touch and totally violated. When this would happen I would just shut off, go blank trying to block it out.
Let's fast forward years to my current issue and situation, I stupidly placed myself in a situation with a man isolated myself alone in a bathroom with him. Not in anyways to be sexual, I was at my home and he came over so I could help him with some paperwork. I didn't know this man to well but he had been over a few times before with one of my close friends. Nothing about him gave off any red flags but was I wrong. My boyfriend and I had been and still are going through a very rough time at that time he wasn't living at home, had no time for our family and was checked out of life with me. This man was familiar with who my boyfriend was they hung out in the same social circle. I was not in anyway interested in this other man, I was simply doing him a favor and didn't think anything other. I must admit at the time I was using drugs to help me cope so this is why the isolation in the bathroom took place.
I was cooking dinner for my 4 children when the man showed up unexpectedly. I let him in and he went into the bathroom that was right in the kitchen area. After securing the stove top I entered the bathroom. It was after a few minutes of smoking that he stood up, went to kiss me. I pulled back from him and said "no, I can't". At that point I was going to exit the bathroom but he grabbed my wrist and turned me so my back was against his front. His heavy breathing down my neck spun me into a frozen like stance. As I'm looking at myself in this mirror all I see looking back was 10 year old me. I couldn't do much I froze. My mind had a million things running through it and I couldn't process any of it. It all was so quick. I remember seeing him with a condom in his hand, I remember him trying to pull my pants down but having trouble because I was so clinched tight they wouldn't move down past mid butt cheek. He was breathing so heavy, it was so hot and running down my neck. It was just how my step dad would breathe on me rubbing against me. The only motion I managed to make was to reach my arm up and slide it down the wall turung the light off. I couldn't bare look at myself letting this happen.. everything's kind of a blur it was quick and I'm not sure if he ever was able to penetrate me. He then left, I finished dinner and went to shower. My boyfriend happened to show up right after he left and looked at me said "what's wrong with you"? But not once stopping to hear me and left. I had no one to talk to, not one person. I lived with this for almost a year. It wasn't till a huge fight that I finally came out and tried to tell my boyfriend. But once I said "I have been with someone". He got me in my head with a curling iron breaking not just the curling iron in half but my head as well. Since that day I am constantly reminded of what happened. I'm having trouble trying to work past this event. I didn't want what happened to happen, I didn't mean to freeze up and be so weak but it happened. My boyfriend well now ex keeps saying that it's my fault, that I'm lying and there is no way I just froze. Was it my fault though? Yes I guess in a way but I didn't think that I would ever be put into a situation like that again. Idk anymore. I know that this has ruined my relationship, robbed my children of a father. He is consumed by it, wanting to use it to hurt me because it hurts him. But I'm already living with it, having to deal with what it's done to me without any support from anyone. I want him to not hurt from this stupid mistake I made, from my weakness and I want to leave it in the past. I guess because of what I went through as a child I have developed the ability of suppressing things that I guess we should. I just try to move on to the next day and go about life. Having no one but myself is a hard thing and I wish I could show my now ex that I'm not okay, but I don't know how. Am I that sick that i just want to go on and not think about it happening? That isn't normal I know but it's the only way I know how to survive and not let everything consume me.