I am 21 years old and moved to a new country on my own just 3 months ago. Before moving away from home, I only ever drank with my family. And never over-board. I would never go out to drink with friends. Since moving to this new country, I have been drinking past my limit. The first time I went past my limit, I was with a new friend and we shared a couple of bottles of soju. She basically had to carry me home. I didn't black out and my mind was still in-tack, but I was incapable of walking on my own. The second time I went over my limit, I was at another new friend's house and I basically just fell asleep after drinking too much. After a few hours, I was able to walk myself home. Both times, my speech was completely slurred. However, this Saturday was the worst. And it is definitely my reason for never drinking again. The day started off nice and I was not even planning on drinking at night. I had gone out with my friend (the one who dragged me home after soju fiasco) and we were just exploring the city. She then tells me that she wants to meet up with 3 other friends and asks if I want to go drinking with them. So of course I agreed because I am sad and lonely in this new country. I rather be with people than be alone. We get to the bar and they have an "all you can drink" for 90min for just around $15. I did not want to do it but for some reason I agreed. Of course, I ordered the strongest drinks on the menu. I think I had about 3 Jack Daniel's cocktails, 3 sake cocktails, one tiny bottle of sake, and like 2 other drinks that I cannot remember. I was able to go to the bathroom before leaving, even though I was a bit wobbly. Thankfully, I was taking the train home with 2 of the people who went. I thought I could walk, but I couldn't even stand straight. I guess I somewhat blacked out because I cannot remember the 15min walk to the train station. Waiting for the train, I fell on my butt and the two friends had to hold me up. I wanted to stop talking but I couldn't stop blurting things out in 3 different languages. I could feel people staring at me but I couldn't control my speech. Then, one of the friends got off on his stop and I was left with one friend. I sat down next to an old man on the train and my friend stood next to me. The second I sat down, I knew I was gonna throw up. I really tried holding it back but with the swaying of the train, it was no good. I threw up all over my hands and just looked down on it, not sure what to do. I felt bad for the guy sitting next to me and wanted to apologize but now I couldn't even speak. Some kind lady came up to my friend and gave her wipes and a bag, and my friend cleaned my hands. I then threw up again into the bag. Although I can't remember anyone's faces, the train was full of people and they were all silent. I am a foreigner living in a monocultural society, so I stand out regardless of what I do. After throwing up in a train at 11pm, I am sure they were all watching. I hope no one from my work saw me. My friend was kind enough to walk me home. I apologized to her and thanked her the next day. She cleaned up my throw up and took me home so I really do admire her kindness. When I got home, I just quickly threw water on my face, took off my contacts, and changed into pajamas. I woke up around 7 times throughout the night to throw up. I was throwing up until 9am. It was really bad. I did not know I could get to that point of drunkenness, but now I know I am not invincible to the consequences of alcohol. I just feel embarrassed, not because a bunch of strangers saw me, or because maybe a coworker could've seen me, or because my new friend saw me like this, but because I know have to live with this memory of myself. I can't imagine telling this story to my future husband. I called my mom and sister, but I didn't tell them about how I threw up in the train. Even so, they sounded very disappointed in me. It is just so embarrassing that I let myself get to this point and threw up on public transport. Today, I cried after trying to make myself feel better about what happened. It is extremely difficult and isolating living in this new country, but I now know I do not want to seek refuge in alcohol anymore. I only drink when I go out to feel an emotion that is not sadness or loneliness. I don't even really like the taste of alcohol, Coca-Cola tastes better to me than any sort of alcoholic drink. I will not be drinking again. I am making this promise to myself.