Wow, just to say this is the only article I’ve read that really hits the nail on the head for me and my experience. Absolutely so true about self esteem and self worth.
I was 15 when I was raped, it was on holiday in the Dominican Republic and by a bar staff member. I didn’t consider it rape for a long time as I thought I had got myself into the situation and there was no physical violence (despite him holding me down as I was kicking and saying “no”). I went on to have consensual sex the next day with another staff member and had multiple sexual encounters in my remaining time there. I also went on to sleep with regular strangers after that for many years. Up until now I had no idea why did it and felt so much shame.
It wasn’t until I was in my 20s when people would discuss losing their virginities that emotions began to connect for me. Realising it was stolen from me and having to avoid the “first time” convo at all costs. It was at this point that PTSD symptoms really began to surface and I would get flash backs during sex with anyone I had an emotional connection with. I did go to “self lead counselling” for a few months which did not help et all (I completely shut down emotionally and was unable to connect to what happened. The “counsellor” ended up making me feel like I was wasting their time by telling me that funding was short and other people could have been having my place).
I then went on to develop an eating disorder and having a complete break down. I was wondering how common it is for eating disorders to emerge following childhood sexual abuse too?
Many thanks for your honesty. This has genuinely helped in my healing.