Hi Dan,
Thank you for your comment and your kind words. I do hope what I write here is helpful!
I'm glad you're not ashamed, although I do hope you are able to stop hurting yourself someday when you are ready. It's not for me to tell you to stop, so instead I will just gently remind you that there ARE healthier (and more effective!) ways to cope when you are ready to try them. I've shared some of the ones that have worked best for me in other blog posts here on this site; let me know if you want me to dig any up for you.
I do think becoming healthy, at least your own version of it (everyone's looks a little different) is worth striving for. But "normal"? Yeah, normal is an illusion. :)
Best,
Kim