Melanie
January, 18 2023 at 11:48 am

I've known that I was an alcoholic since I was 17 years old. I'm 36 now. Throughout the years I've been in and out of AA with some years of sobriety in between a few months of drinking. Lately I've been drinking once a week at home (without my parents and sisters knowing) and I felt I had self-control for once in my life. I convinced myself that my previous alcoholic tendencies were a thing of the past. It's probably because I'd mainly drink beer and would only buy 4-5 cans and that would be enough. I'd just eat food right after and then go to bed.
However, during the past three weeks I've been adding hard liquor like rum and the past couple of nights I finally lost control. On Sunday, after a get together with some friends (without drinking because my sister was there), on my way home I then went to a liquor store and bought a small bottle of rum. When I got home I drank, listened to music and then became so drunk that I made an ass of myself on the Twitch chat, asking if the host thought I was pretty (my god!). I always had this thing about not feeling pretty enough because my sisters look like models. Anyway, I drank at 10pm, ended at 6am and then woke up at 3pm. I woke up with a slight hangover and decided to go to a bar for one Bloody Mary for my hangover. Welp, it didn't end there! I then drank a Margarita, a Corona, a Negroni, and then a Manhattan. Before I knew it my speech was so slurred I could barely talk to the other bar patrons. They were very patient with me but also looked at me with concern. I was aware of how drunk I was but no coherent sentence would come out. I then decided to walk across the street to a Latin bar/restaurant to get some food and more alcohol. I was the only woman there besides the waitresses. I totally lost control. I invited this homeless looking guy to sit with me so I could pay for his dinner. I remember saying to one guy, "God bless your mom." Most of the guys probably felt pity for me. And then I remember talking to this guy who so happened to be friends with a family friend of mine but he was more than 20 years older than me. I could barely talk but he started touching my private area and made out with me and I tried pulling away. He even said that I'm not pretty but I'm not ugly either (I probably asked him if he thought I was pretty.) But for some reason after the restaurant closed I gave him a lift to his house. I'm so ashamed that I drove drunk on top of it all. I think I was supposed to go over that guy's house but thank god he was so fed up with my drunkenness that he hopped out of my car. I'm thankful that I snapped out of my drunken stupor enough to drive home safely, but still! I woke up a few hours later and I realized I lost my glasses and I woke up with a cold sore on my lip! I feel so ashamed and dirty. I haven't bar drank or have been physical with a guy in over three years. I felt so down and hungover that when I was buying new glasses the workers asked if I was ok. I know I can't continue on like this and I know I will get through this embarrassing event because I've been there a thousand times before. I'm just sad that I'm 36 and still haven't grown out of this behavior. My twin has been sober since she was 24 but for some reason I just can't get it.