Kim
February, 26 2023 at 8:10 am

I am thankful to all who share about their trauma stories.
I am still processing mine….
Determined to heal….
But finding the most important part after 25 years of trying to find the “right” help, is that it all helps even a little.
Sexual abuse creates layers upon layers of various emotional, spiritual, mental and physical scar tissue and it is work to sift through and manage it all.
I was always told that children who were sexually abused grew up to be frigid and fearful of sex. That confused me in the worst way….. likely part of what caused me to plummet into the depths if self hate….
I became obsessed with the body feelings that sex delivered. The way my abuser went about it was to teach me how to be, to entice me and draw me in. I was 6 years old when it started. I was a child. A tiny little girl whose family life was wrecked by severe emotional and physical abuse…. I was a prime target. There were several of us kids in carious ages that this man abused for many years and many times a week.
Promiscuity became my life.
The extreme edge was where i NEEDED to be in order to feel anything. As children we were involved in the making of this man’s pornography and Seeing this stuff became my norm way too young.
I lost my childhood, my teens and my young to mid adult life because of the abuses that had become like a vulture in my life.
I have questioned myself on every level including my sanity and my sexuality….. it has been a hard and very dark road.
I feel for each woman and man who has had to learn, without resources, how to survive because I know the story and we recreate the story over and over and over again.
I was terrified, until yesterday, to ever tell anyone ever that the experience if orgasm at 6 was still an orgasm. It still released the neurons and hormones that an orgasm in an adult released. It felt good even as I was terrified. I was caught in a juxtaposition that had no escape clause. After 5 or so years of this constant release of the feel good brain chemicals and the terror chemicals that our brains naturally produce being produced at the same time….. i was set up. I was addicted….
I am now almost 55 and i have finally spoken of the one part that held me captive to shame…. How could I betray myself by feeling any pleasure as a child while an old man did things a child should never experience? But that was the story. That is truth. My truth. I have taken to learning about how our brains and bodies respond to orgasm and violence and threat and have actually come to learn that we are just made that way. And i did not betray myself. I was abused by those who had a plan and a purpose and now, many years later, I am finally able to see the reasons behind the extremely promiscuous life I have lived.
I pray that one day I will have the freedom in my mind to really live with my whole self as an integrated whole. I am not sure that I will ever know the intimate love shared between a man and a woman but I am learning that love is real. Love comes to me by way of my family….. who love me in the midst of my horror…. and within my precious little family is a friend I have prayed many years for…. One who could walk with me down the dark holes I must journey in order to make peace with myself. I am only now learning, slowly, to trust for the first time and to receive real love.
Healing does come.
Slowly.
But it comes.
Please write your stories and even when reading other storues feels frustrating, just remember, you are not alone.