Forgiving Yourself for Embarrassing Drunken Behavior

I'm 16 and 2 days ago I got blackout drunk for the 1st time at a fair and I don't even remember getting brought home, I hardly remember what I did but I remember enough to know I lashed out on my mom and her friend, it's shameful but I know I was screaming and crying , I really don't remember pretty much anything but from what I was told by friends and my mom how I acted was just shameful and I feel bad like really bad I remember at some point for some reason I was down the street talking to to no one very loudly I wouldn't be shocked if I woke my neighbors up
I don't remember even walking down the street or going home and what I do remember is very blurry
I lost my phone to and a few other things mostly just upset about my phone though
but I'm not planning on drinking anymore addiction runs in my fam and I know I'm going down a bad road with how much I be drinking all the time but getting black out drunk and acting like I did really just proved I'm going down a bad road
my grammar is def bad while typing this bc I don't feel like going over it lmao but end of story I'm not drinking again and even if my mom offers me just 1 shot I'm not accepting that anymore

I was in a bad mood for few weeks and I accepted to go out with a boy that I only knew for a few months. We went to the bar and I saw the people that I live in a same hostel and I go in a same school that I don't really talk to some of them. This boy invited his friends, I thought I could trust him because we lived nearby and we went out a few times and the personality I saw from him was just being nice, We ordered a bottle of tequila, he and his friend were eating food so the only one that drank the most of the bottle was me. After a few minutes I remember I was dead and passed out on the ground, He wasn't that drunk and he was a few years older than me, The only thing I remember is that he opened my mouth by force when I was passed out with the closed eyes and he kissed me in front of the people that I see more than 4 times every day, I was friend with some of the boys and girls but mostly they were boys. When I woke up I was in a hotel alone and I found out that i threw up and puked because there was vomit on my clothes. I started packing up and I came back to the hostel, I saw a few girls and boys so I asked them what happened, They told me after the kiss I was shouting and throwing up everywhere and telling my friends that I'm prettier than them. They told me the cops saw u on the ground so they took pics and we forced to bring you to the hotel because you couldn't go hostel with this situation. They told me that it's ok and this is happening to everyone. But i feel so disgusted by the boy who kissed me by force in front of everyone, I don't remember anything else what if he touched my body in front of them or what if I did stupid thing and they didn't tell me to makes me feel better. I wasn't feeling embarrassed in front of some boys and girls but I was feeling so bad and stressed with the people that weren't my friend and cleaned my vomit and carried me and saw the worst of me specially because I knew some of them were playboys and the girls who talk about you everywhere. I still overthinking and sometimes when I see them throw the window I can't go outside for buying stuff or going to school. I even sent text to all of them that I was sorry and thankful and talked to few of them. I mean they saw me kissing and throwing up everywhere, I didn't want them to think that I'm an alcoholic or someone who making out everyday and going out with older boys.

Yesterday afternoon I met up with my sisters and their friend in downtown. We got lunch but I had like two bites because I just wasn’t feeling very hungry, but I was on an empty stomach. I drank a pretty strong margarita and then had a shock top after. I was pretty buzzed and feeling good, and then I left them and walked across the street to meet up with my boyfriend and his friend at a brewery. I drank one beer at each brewery we went to, and stupidly ordered the beers with the highest alcohol content. I ended up having like 3 or 4 beers, each beer having between like 8-10% alcohol in it. Now keep in mind I was still on an empty stomach, I wasn’t drinking water though I normally do when I go out drinking, plus I’m not a very big person, I weigh about 135-140 lbs. Anyway, I blacked out before we left the bars and my boyfriend wasn’t aware I had drinks before meeting up with him and I guess i’m good at hiding how drunk I actually am, so he didn’t know how trashed I was. We drove separately so apparently I went to my car and drove to the weed dispensary (because I have my medical card) and he said he saw me driving and that I was swerving and he tried to call me but I didn’t answer. At some point he lost me on the road and I remember being at the dispensary and buying a weed pen (I can’t imagine being the person that rang me up for it.) I don’t remember leaving but I wound up at my parents house later on in the night. According to my sisters I came in and started smoking the weed pen and then I fell over and knocked a nightstand over. When I look at what time I purchased the pen and then what time I came to at my parents house, there’s 2 hours of missing time. I think I was following the gps to get somewhere to go hang out with someone, I’m pretty sure I was driving more than I remember (thank god I didn’t get into an accident or get pulled over.) I was still pretty drunk when my memory starts to come back to me later in the night, I tried to leave their house and my dad wouldn’t let me drive, then my boyfriend came to pick me up (keep in mind I hadn’t answered any of his 15 calls all night and he didn’t know where I was,) so when I finally talked to him he was pretty pissed that I wasn’t communicating with him, but he picked me up and my family all came out to the street when I got in the car and started yelling at my boyfriend, blaming him for getting me drunk and for me almost leaving to drive to his house even though he didn’t know how drunk I was or really anything that happened with me after the bars. I had the worst hangover anxiety late last night and still kinda have one today. I called out of work because I just needed to take it easy today. That’s probably the worst drunk incident I’ve ever had or ever had people seen me have. I don’t EVER act like that drunk or not. Im very embarrassed and ashamed by my behavior and I literally never wanna drink again. I feel really dumb. Hopefully I can recover from the embarrassment soon!

I've known that I was an alcoholic since I was 17 years old. I'm 36 now. Throughout the years I've been in and out of AA with some years of sobriety in between a few months of drinking. Lately I've been drinking once a week at home (without my parents and sisters knowing) and I felt I had self-control for once in my life. I convinced myself that my previous alcoholic tendencies were a thing of the past. It's probably because I'd mainly drink beer and would only buy 4-5 cans and that would be enough. I'd just eat food right after and then go to bed.
However, during the past three weeks I've been adding hard liquor like rum and the past couple of nights I finally lost control. On Sunday, after a get together with some friends (without drinking because my sister was there), on my way home I then went to a liquor store and bought a small bottle of rum. When I got home I drank, listened to music and then became so drunk that I made an ass of myself on the Twitch chat, asking if the host thought I was pretty (my god!). I always had this thing about not feeling pretty enough because my sisters look like models. Anyway, I drank at 10pm, ended at 6am and then woke up at 3pm. I woke up with a slight hangover and decided to go to a bar for one Bloody Mary for my hangover. Welp, it didn't end there! I then drank a Margarita, a Corona, a Negroni, and then a Manhattan. Before I knew it my speech was so slurred I could barely talk to the other bar patrons. They were very patient with me but also looked at me with concern. I was aware of how drunk I was but no coherent sentence would come out. I then decided to walk across the street to a Latin bar/restaurant to get some food and more alcohol. I was the only woman there besides the waitresses. I totally lost control. I invited this homeless looking guy to sit with me so I could pay for his dinner. I remember saying to one guy, "God bless your mom." Most of the guys probably felt pity for me. And then I remember talking to this guy who so happened to be friends with a family friend of mine but he was more than 20 years older than me. I could barely talk but he started touching my private area and made out with me and I tried pulling away. He even said that I'm not pretty but I'm not ugly either (I probably asked him if he thought I was pretty.) But for some reason after the restaurant closed I gave him a lift to his house. I'm so ashamed that I drove drunk on top of it all. I think I was supposed to go over that guy's house but thank god he was so fed up with my drunkenness that he hopped out of my car. I'm thankful that I snapped out of my drunken stupor enough to drive home safely, but still! I woke up a few hours later and I realized I lost my glasses and I woke up with a cold sore on my lip! I feel so ashamed and dirty. I haven't bar drank or have been physical with a guy in over three years. I felt so down and hungover that when I was buying new glasses the workers asked if I was ok. I know I can't continue on like this and I know I will get through this embarrassing event because I've been there a thousand times before. I'm just sad that I'm 36 and still haven't grown out of this behavior. My twin has been sober since she was 24 but for some reason I just can't get it.

My boyfriend and I had a house party on Saturday. I was pretty stressed about the entire thing leading up to it as I’ve never hosted anything before. The night started off good everyone was having fun and it was going pretty well. By 11.30 I was completely smashed drunk, just being annoying and obnoxious, behaving in ways I wouldn’t normally sober. There was a guy at the party, let’s call him Jack, I didn’t want him there particularly, he’s never given me a good impression and has a history of acting very strangely and badly. His friend let’s call him Gordon, is friends with my boyfriend and brought him along with him. Anyway around that time in the night Jack fell over and smashed through our window and took the whole thing out. Everyone came rushing over and me being completely drunk decided to yell at him to leave and pushed him out the door. I don’t totally remember what I was saying but I just remember being pretty aggressive and mean, to the point where other people were commenting on me being really upset. Then later in the night I was hanging out with Gordon and another friend of my boyfriends and was trying to play fight them. It wasnt serious fighting but I was still trying to push them and slap them for some ridiculous reason. I remember them laughing at it but I was just being so idiotic, like that is not something I would normally do at all I’m not sure what came over me. I feel completely shameful about my behaviour, I can’t believe I acted so ridiculously. This is the worst hangover anxiety I’ve felt in a long time, I don’t know how to deal with it. I want to apologise to everyone I was being so crazy around but I’m also so embarrassed that I don’t want to draw attention to it either. I’m looking on the internet for ways to deal with this shame, and trying to find other people that have felt the same way and messed up in drunken ways before. Writing this is making me feel slightly better but if anyone has any other solutions that would be very helpful

Hey. Last night I was so drunk and hooked up with 3 different people and was trying to hook up with other people too. This morning my friends told me what happened and I have no memory of it. I have blacked out a couple of time but never done anything this messy. I’m so embarrassed about what people are saying and I hope I didn’t make anyone uncomfortable. I wasn’t even attracted to the people I hoooked up with. Reading these comments make me feel a little better. I learn from this and I’m not going to drink for a while and if I do again i will not drink a lot.

The first time I ever got supper drunk an could hardly remember the next day with a bad hangover was just a couple nights ago during the after party to our company’s Christmas party. God, I’m really ashamed to admit that I do things that could totally get misinterpreted, even with good intentions, but I know better that boundaries will have to get set from now on. So first of all one of the coworkers out of the 5 of us who hung out in the after party has expressed interest of me in a sexually way completely sober a year ago, and he is a manger. But at the time I was very adamant we remained as friends and he was way older than me, I am in my 20s, he is well into his 40s. I told a close friend and coworker about it out of concern and she’s kept an eye on me when he’s around since. Gods though, if she wasn’t sober and another coworker of ours who is nice but tends to spread rumors weren’t sober I’d be scared of being alone with him. I was stupid and for some reason the two male coworkers in our group kept talking about sex and my stupid mouth would chime in like, ‘oh yeah I’ve done that’. Wtf, I’m horrified to admit that but sober me of course was nowhere to help me that night. I only found out from the two sober chicks who eventually brought me home, but not without one of the guys trying to kiss me, and supposedly I was giving one of them a foot message and creeping up his leg? Look, I’d message a home girls foot any day but a mans?!? Ugh, worse yet it was to the one coworker I was pretty scared to be alone with because I’m pretty sure he would have tried something and my brain wouldn’t have known better. Thank god though nothing but embarrassing conversations and awkward kisses were had but work will definitely be a bit stressful tomorrow, if you’re going to be irresponsible like me, please at the very least have people who will look out for you. It could’ve been way worse than it was, this I will have to deal with now everyday till maybe I find another job that isn’t a constant reminder. I’ve given away all of my liquor in the hose since and swore to keep a clean head unless I want to continue to be miserable.

I have had a few instances where I’ve gotten blackout drunk. My drunken behavior can range from super happy silly drunk to mean to promiscuous. The other night my bf and I went to a friends house. My bf wasn’t drinking but his friend is a big drinker and offered us a drink. I had a couple of shots and was fine and then his other friend came over. I kept drinking and eventually went past the point of no return. When my boyfriend was ready to leave I begged him like a child to stay. I was very loud and obnoxious saying “please baby I never get to go out”. He refused and when he wanted me to go to the car I ran from him, jumping his friends fence (three times), hiding from him behind the kitchen counter and wrestling him when he tried to grab me. We ended up getting into it pretty bad and yelling obscenities at each other in between our wrestling match. Mind you his friend had a baby sleeping in the other room. I didn’t want to leave so badly that I was kicking and screaming when he tried to pick me up and putting my feet on the walls and door. When I got home I called his friend and said we are coming back and going to go to the beach! I was blackout drunk at that point and luckily stayed home where my boyfriend took care of me. It was very embarrassing. I woke up to bruises all over my body and filled with regret and shame. I’m worried about how his friends view me now.

I am 21 years old and moved to a new country on my own just 3 months ago. Before moving away from home, I only ever drank with my family. And never over-board. I would never go out to drink with friends. Since moving to this new country, I have been drinking past my limit. The first time I went past my limit, I was with a new friend and we shared a couple of bottles of soju. She basically had to carry me home. I didn't black out and my mind was still in-tack, but I was incapable of walking on my own. The second time I went over my limit, I was at another new friend's house and I basically just fell asleep after drinking too much. After a few hours, I was able to walk myself home. Both times, my speech was completely slurred. However, this Saturday was the worst. And it is definitely my reason for never drinking again. The day started off nice and I was not even planning on drinking at night. I had gone out with my friend (the one who dragged me home after soju fiasco) and we were just exploring the city. She then tells me that she wants to meet up with 3 other friends and asks if I want to go drinking with them. So of course I agreed because I am sad and lonely in this new country. I rather be with people than be alone. We get to the bar and they have an "all you can drink" for 90min for just around $15. I did not want to do it but for some reason I agreed. Of course, I ordered the strongest drinks on the menu. I think I had about 3 Jack Daniel's cocktails, 3 sake cocktails, one tiny bottle of sake, and like 2 other drinks that I cannot remember. I was able to go to the bathroom before leaving, even though I was a bit wobbly. Thankfully, I was taking the train home with 2 of the people who went. I thought I could walk, but I couldn't even stand straight. I guess I somewhat blacked out because I cannot remember the 15min walk to the train station. Waiting for the train, I fell on my butt and the two friends had to hold me up. I wanted to stop talking but I couldn't stop blurting things out in 3 different languages. I could feel people staring at me but I couldn't control my speech. Then, one of the friends got off on his stop and I was left with one friend. I sat down next to an old man on the train and my friend stood next to me. The second I sat down, I knew I was gonna throw up. I really tried holding it back but with the swaying of the train, it was no good. I threw up all over my hands and just looked down on it, not sure what to do. I felt bad for the guy sitting next to me and wanted to apologize but now I couldn't even speak. Some kind lady came up to my friend and gave her wipes and a bag, and my friend cleaned my hands. I then threw up again into the bag. Although I can't remember anyone's faces, the train was full of people and they were all silent. I am a foreigner living in a monocultural society, so I stand out regardless of what I do. After throwing up in a train at 11pm, I am sure they were all watching. I hope no one from my work saw me. My friend was kind enough to walk me home. I apologized to her and thanked her the next day. She cleaned up my throw up and took me home so I really do admire her kindness. When I got home, I just quickly threw water on my face, took off my contacts, and changed into pajamas. I woke up around 7 times throughout the night to throw up. I was throwing up until 9am. It was really bad. I did not know I could get to that point of drunkenness, but now I know I am not invincible to the consequences of alcohol. I just feel embarrassed, not because a bunch of strangers saw me, or because maybe a coworker could've seen me, or because my new friend saw me like this, but because I know have to live with this memory of myself. I can't imagine telling this story to my future husband. I called my mom and sister, but I didn't tell them about how I threw up in the train. Even so, they sounded very disappointed in me. It is just so embarrassing that I let myself get to this point and threw up on public transport. Today, I cried after trying to make myself feel better about what happened. It is extremely difficult and isolating living in this new country, but I now know I do not want to seek refuge in alcohol anymore. I only drink when I go out to feel an emotion that is not sadness or loneliness. I don't even really like the taste of alcohol, Coca-Cola tastes better to me than any sort of alcoholic drink. I will not be drinking again. I am making this promise to myself.

I went out with friends on Saturday. It started with a girls dinner and then we met up with our guy friends after. I had had a particularly stressful day and was feeling a bit anxious already. I started with a pregame at one friend’s house doing a couple tequila shots. We ate dinner and I had two martinis. Not the wisest decision. I also think for some reason when I’m around everyone in my friend group and we are bar hopping my mind switches to binge drink mode. That’s what we have done much of in the past. I rarely binge drink now or get blackout drunk anymore so I felt extremely anxious and hungover the next day. After dinner we went to a bar and took lots of Jell-O shots and I just randomly started crying for no reason. Not making a scene or anything but still. Embarrassing. The night is spotty though. I remember going to another bar and signing up for karaoke but it was too late. I’m thankful that we left before I got a chance to sing. After the second bar we went to a friends house and continued drinking. I remember having an u comfortable conversation with a friend and spilling too much. Getting too personal and sad. This is pretty out of character for me but I’m going to take it as a sign to reach out to my therapist. This never would have happened had I not drank so much but I was already feeling kind of low so it definitely didn’t help. Anyway I know my conversation with said friend left a bad taste in her mouth as she thought I was insulting her. I just feel so embarrassed because we were supposed to be celebrating and I really killed the mood with my belligerence. It’s been two days so I’m not feeling as much self loathing but boy was yesterday rough. Sometimes I wonder if I may have a problem because I do love a drink.

I recently just turned 21 and have been regularly drinking since 15. The last two years I have been drinking so excessively I black out almost everytime. When I do I behave horribly and seem to turn into a different kind of person. I lie badly, I get touchy with people other than my boyfriend, I get loud, start fights, scream, and just act like a fool. I’ve read that personalities do not alter with alcohol so the guilt is so great on my shoulders….
My boyfriend and I went to a wedding for his family last week. And we already got a message ab how I made his brother uncomfortable because I tugged on his pocket and lied ab us liking each other in childhood. I also talked to his mom in the bathroom which ended with me in tears and angry at my boyfriend when he had done nothing wrong…. I’m so embarrassed about my behavior and so scared of what text messages will roll in next over the next few days and weeks. It’s definitely not the worst I have behaved but it was a horribly inappropriate place to get as blasted as I did to not remember anything. I sincerely tried so hard to pace myself and drink plenty of water. But every time I promise myself and everyone around me I won’t get crazy again and every time I fail. I don’t know why it’s so hard for me to say no to alcohol or why it’s so hard to not drink until obliteration. And I’m so scared that deep down I am this deceptive crazy non-committed person. I’m hurting for myself and for my boyfriend, he’s my favorite person in this world and I feel like I let him down again.

So i am 42 and been a functioning alcoholic basically my entire adult life. Usually drink anywhere from eight to fifteen beers probably about three nights a week. usually just at home on the phone with a couple single girls i know. When im in a relationship i tend to curb that down for the most part but recently me and my long term gf broke up and i have been in the dumps. Well i went out last night with a couple long term friends i hadnt seen in a while. Went to a local bar we were having fun drinking, playing pool and chatting. I was getting pretty loaded toward the end of the night but was having such a good time i decided to stay when they were going to drop me off at my house. Big mistake! I told them i would uber home and was probably there another hour and a half drinking talking to random strangers, flirting with a couple girls. I dont think i really did anything terrible while i was there because i remember about everything. But by the time i left couldnt even figure out how to work the uber app on my phone so i just figured i would walk home. about 2 miles. Somewhere on the walk home at a little after midnight i trip and hit my head on the sidewalk. I am balding so i shave my head completely. Other than that i get home fine and go to bed. Wake up with this big scrape on the top of my head and it looks rediculous. I have three days before i go back to work, praying it will some how heal by then. I feel pretty stupid today and thought this would help. Thinking of getting some makeup to try and cover the scrape before going back to work. Not how i intended to start my long holiday weekend. I really need to stop drinking to say the least. Its when i have the most fun times but always the times i put myself in the worst or imbarrassing situations. Knowing myself, in a week or so the scrape will be gone, last night will be a distant memory and ill be right back to over drinking. such a shame

I have had a quite confusing relationship with alcohol, almost like a love/hate one. I don't drink very often because i'm not that old, but when i do, i can't seem to stop. I hate it, and i feel so bad for my friends after we go out. I'm struggling a bit with something that happened one night... I got black out drunk, and idk why but apparently some guy and i kissed (when i heard the story, it sounded like i took the initiative). I haven't seen him since and i also didn't know him. I really regret it, because i also have lost my best friend because of it. (He had a crush on me before and didnt take what happened that night well at all.) But now im just feeling really confused, because he is 27 years older than me. Could have been my dad kind of old... I'm pretty sure he wasn't as drunk as me, and i feel that he is partly responsible as an adult. But i blame myself. I know that it is my fault, but i also feel like i've lost my trust in (older) men. Im 99% sure that he was the one behind a recent friend request, because i usually never get those and i didnt know the person at all. I looked up his name, and he has a family and a wife. His oldest child must be around my age. I feel like i possibly ruined a marriage... I don't know how to feel or what to do.

Drinking with my family and friend at a party, my sis and her boyfriend were there too, I have 10 years on them but the other folks are double my age so i hung out with them as a cool older brother. I cannot drink like them but i tried anyway.. shots, sh1t mixes, wine, beer. It was awful. Things were good.
But at the end of the night everything went south. we were chilling outside and i could see my sis just wanted to go to sleep, I don't remember what he said, something like "sit and stay", i immediately saw red and rushed round the table to sit next to her, i told her to go to bed and then sat in her seat. Context: she (my sis) has severe abandonment issues, self harms when hes not there, threatens suicide and has attempted it before, she is a shell of the girl i grew up with but she is getting much better. throughout the evening he was slapping her (uncomfortably hard) and barking orders at her like some animal, i just had enough. I spewed some of the cruelest scariest things i could muster from me, in an attempt to scare some sense into him, it was like i was possessed. What a mistake. He started recording my monologue seemingly just after i had sat next to him (without my knowledge) my sis then rushed out and took his side, and they both started shaming and goading me into saying some proper horrible things, even challenged me to a fight which i am SO glad i walked away from, when she came out and jumped in with him i had no idea what to do. The next morning he sent the recording to my mother. The recording is terrible, it is the worst version of me imaginable. The whole thing is like a nightmare I can't wake up from. There is a lesson here i have yet to learn.

This past weekend, I was with my maternal family, they went to sleep, I just couldn't sleep, and therefore I drank a full bottle of whisky and some beers,,,I was so drunk to a point I couldn't walk or stand, I fell, embarrassing myself and almost hurting myself. my mum and her sisters (my aunts) were also present, I believe they are very disappointed in me, my cousins maybe a little but I don't know how will i face my aunties after this ordeal i created. some of my cousins had to pick me up and hold me to walk.

Just this weekend I had my aunt over to the house for the first time for her birthday weekend and it was a disaster. I don't usually drink vodka, but I bought it for her and I ended up drinking way too much on Saturday into early Sunday morning. My boyfriend has a habit of bringing up past issues we have had when we have company or in a group setting, knowing I don't lie it, but he does it anyway. This one story he talked about with my aunt, he already talked about with two other groups in the past month, even though we discussed it and dealt with it. I was furious and argued with him because he wants to bring these things up just to be right, he doesn't care how it makes me feel.
So I drank more because I was furious. And around 1am Sunday morning, I went to the washroom and fell back against the toilet tank and broke the tank. Water spilled out and seaped through to our ceiling below, causing some water damage. And a little dripped to our neighbors place below us.
I am taking ownership and doing everything to fix it, and have decided to stop drinking completely. But it is important for your significant other to be supportive as well. We talked about everything the next day calmly, but he stills rubs it in my face. I am well aware of what I did and feel bad about it, since it also happened in front of my aunt, who is like a mother to me. I know I did a bad thing, but I don't believe in making someone feel worse than they already do. Show support for those you love and help them through the situation. We feel bad enough as it is.

Hey y'all, reading these drunken horror stories is a bit comforting to me, knowing I'm not the only one!
I have been a hardcore alcoholic for a long time. I am 32 years old and I have lost several jobs due to drinking. I have spent time in jail for DUI, and paid tens of thousands of dollars on drinking and its consequences.
You would think I've learned my lesson, but NO! I keep messing things up! While I have improved drastically with my drinking, I've learned that complete and total abstinence is my only option now. Unless I want to die or get arrested.
I used to get drunk every single night, but now I am taking better care of myself and drink 1X per week max. Convincing myself that all my hard work and personal progress deserves a fun night at the local saloon. I mean I used to guzzle whiskey by myself, so the thought of a few beers with friends/coworkers seems totally normal, right? WRONG!
Once I have a single sip of beer, wine or whiskey, I will keep drinking into oblivion, and I have dozens of scary brownout/blackout stories. But now I would like to share my most recent horror story, hopefully my final painful lesson with alcohol.
So I do seasonal work, which means that I travel around the country to live and work for a "season", usually Summer and Winter. Each seasonal gig lasts about 4-5 months, although every place is different. Right now I am in a small town in North Dakota. Well I started off strong! Exercising instead of drinking, sticking to a healthy daily routine, getting along well with my coworkers. I hadn't felt this great in a long time, which means I let my guard down in regards to alcohol. I convinced myself that I could handle a night of drinking. That I DESERVED a night of drinking. Ugh.
Anyways, all the employees go out for "Ladies Night" on Monday nights. We go to the local saloon, where the ladies drink for cheap. Most of the workers are international people from places like Romania, Poland, Bulgaria, France, Dominican Republic and Mexico. I am one of the few American dudes here, but let me tell you, I have a thing for Spanish speaking women. And the Dominican girls are my favorite, one of whom I have a huge crush on.
So Im really excited for Ladies Night because my crush is going to be there. And since Im pretty shy and introverted, i always think that a few drinks will make me more fun. Well a few drinks turns into pregaming with a pint of whiskey. So Im pretty much wasted by the time I even get to the saloon, where of course I continue to drink.(and I don't have a vehicle. plus this town is so small that you can easily walk everywhere. so thankfully no DUI behavior) At first, I still feel pretty composed, chatting innocently with girls and guys alike. But after I start downing beer (and remember, I drank like a pint of whiskey before hand), I start losing my inhibitions. I get aggressive. I remember going straight up to my crush and saying something flirty in Spanish. But at the same time, Im browning in and out of consciousness. Next thing I know, this big scary looking Hispanic dude is giving me a dirty look. And having been working out recently, and sloshed, I feel pretty cocky and fearless. I square up with this dude, probably talking all kinds of trash, egging him on and what not.
Well the next thing I remember is waking up on the ground with blood trickling out of my month. This guy knocked me out cold, right in front of all my coworkers. Talk about embarrassing! I had some other cringe worthy interactions that night, and being blackout drunk means I don't remember most of it. I think that is the absolute worse, when you black out and don't remember. I have done insane things in this condition, like pull knives on people. I turn into a scary monster. And I fear thats what i did! SO the next morning, I called out of work, although everyone knew it was because I was hungover. I couldnt bear to show my face, which was swollen and aching at that! And the thing about seasonal work is that everyone lives and works together in close quarters. There is like a fishbowl affect in which you cannot really get away from other people. I contemplated just up and leaving, thats how bad I felt. But I decided to man up and face the consequences, look people in the eye and apologize.
Thankfully a lot of other people were pretty drunk that night too, so it wasn't as big of a deal as I thought.
But gosh, I am done with alcohol. All I do is LOSE when I drink. Whether I lose money, friends, respect, or jobs, I sure as hell don't gain anything. Just lose lose lose. And Im done

I humiliated my husband by kicking his coworkers out, whom I had invited to our home. I also accused him of cheating with one of his coworkers and calling her names… I’m so depressed right now. I hardly drink like that, but I hate alcohol ..

I’m really embarrassed about the things I do sometimes while being drunk,
I have a crush on my boss’s son and he gave me ride home after I got drunk with my friends, I do not know if he has any feelings for me or not but I was all over him that night, falling, tripping on him I also got my ankle sprained and I was not letting him go from my house but he eventually left and I do not even remember about the things i told him. I was hugging him and asking him not leave. I don’t know how am I gonna face him at work now.

I don’t know if I’m ready to tell my story, but I want to get what I can, out. I just moved to a new state and met some new friends. They’re not really my type (I’m active, I don’t drink much, I don’t smoke, I’m outdoorsy and athletic) but this always happens. It’s hard for me to make friends bc I’m socially awkward and I have a lot of mental health stuff. Depression, anxiety, etc…. So I take what I can get and I mirror who they are so that they like me (I always hate myself for that) they’re very nice at least and so that makes it easier. Anyways, my son is best friends with their son, so we got invited to his birthday party at their house. They actually made it a kids party/adult party with Jell-O shots, scotch, vodka mixed drinks and beer. At first, I was smart and said no to the Jell-O shots because I knew better… but they kept on and kept on so I was like ok what the hell. So I took one and we ended up having like 6 shots. Maybe more who knows. I’m tiny, I should’ve never done that. Time goes on and I’m more social and silly but I’m fine. The kids party finally ends at 4 and I decide to sit down and relax and have some beers and talk because I had been helping my friend with her party and I was exhausted, mostly because the night before I only slept 2 hours (couldn’t sleep) when I sat, I probably should’ve eaten and had some water. It was extremely hot and humid, and honestly I should’ve just left right then and there but I hadn’t been out in so long, I haven’t done anything with anyone outside of my family in years. For a second there, I was happy and felt like my old self, when I had friends and fun. But that’s because the shots really hit me and I was drinking beer like it was water bc I was hot. The people on the porch that I was talking to, were not interesting. We had nothing in common, I don’t even know what we were talking about, I guess the music on the Alexa, and our kids? We all have kids. This girl Melissa was there and she was very chatty and I was pretending to be interested in what she was saying but I wasn’t. I’m more of a deep person, and when I’m around like minded people, we don’t have small talk. So I was in a weird headspace having to dumb myself down for a few people I knew weren’t for me. I blacked out. I don’t remember anything after Melissa left. Nothing. I have little flashbacks, but I don’t remember a thing. Apparently I sat outside and talked to some ugly scrawny dude for hours about who knows. He was drinking the worst scotch and literally not my type at alllllllll. He reminded me of an old high school buddy of mine, maybe that’s why I was drawn to him. Everyone there was inside and I guess talking about me. I guess saying I was hot and they wanted to “hit that” but then people said I was married and blah blah. You know how guys can be. I guess they got pissed that the guy I was talking to was making me laugh and smile but I always do that and tbh, even more when I’m drunk. My son was supposed to stay for a sleepover so I guess I realized that it was late and so I just got up and left and drove home. Don’t even know how the night ended. Oh we did go on the big water slide too. So dumb. I should’ve never. Not drunk anyways. Fast forward to the next morning and it’s drama central. Apparently that guy asked about me in their group chat and said he thought something was there between us and they were like “she’s married” and I guess he said he didn’t know that. My friend told me that he was kicked out of the street bike gang thingy they’re in, idk… and My god, so dramatic. I wasn’t feeling it at all. Fast forward. I message the dude on Instagram and he seems fine. He’s like “I knew you were in a relationship. You were loyal and respectful. He’s lucky to have you” very weird. Fast forward to my sons party and I invited them to the party. While she was there, she told me that the guy told them that I said I wasn’t happy in my relationship and THATS why he did what he did (talked to me and followed me around) I don’t think I said that. First of all, I thought he didn’t know I was even in a relationship. Now all of this. Anyways, I told my partner everything. I always do. He didn’t care. But I’m mortified. I’m embarrassed. I feel so much shame and guilt. I had conversations with people and don’t remember ANY OF IT. I told some girl that I thought I was a bad mom??? Why would I say that? Why would I put my kids in danger like that saying stuff that isn’t true. Having strangers worrying or idk. Idk how to feel or what to think. Apparently I told one girl that I thought she was judgmental and that upset her. I have no clue what happened when the adult party really started. I was smoking cigarettes which I never do unless I’m blacked out, and ugh. I hate myself. They all hate me and probably think I’m a flirting lying whore that thinks she’s a bad mother who also calls people names “judgmental” who I don’t even know. It’s so embarrassing, that’s not who I am. I am calm and sweet and playful and fun mom to some awesome kids that are truly my whole life. I am not a flirting cheating dumb bitch. I didn’t cheat, but they all have me feeling like I did by talking to that guy, and I know maybe that’s not my friends intention, but that’s what it feels like. They live up the street and our boys are best friends, and I wish we could just move states lol but we are here forever, so I’ll forever have to live with this embarrassment and awkwardness. I’m afraid that people will always talk about me and always wonder if I’m a bad mom and a cheater. I feel like I embarrassed my partner and my kids, and I don’t know how to stop the thoughts and feelings of dread that I’m having. I just feel so low and alone and depressed. I’m never drinking again. Alcohol ruins lives and friendships. Period. I know my story isn’t as bad as the others, but I can not shake this depression I have from whatever the hell happened. I guess I’ll never really know. I feel like my friend isn’t telling me all the stupid stuff I did bc she wants to protect my feelings because she knows I was drunk and she knows I’m a good person, but idk….. I just feel so alone and like the world hates me.

I have a problem with over drinking. Last night I was on Twitter posting about running for political office in my state. I love politics, and the whole idea of helping people, but I was banging on about running and trying to encourage other people to run. While drinking I fail to remember that most people including myself have zero political experience and funds to actually participate in an election.
Not the most embarrassing story in the world but I'll have a hard time letting that go for a while. I've since deleted the tweets and deactivated my account, I'm on there too much anyway.
I figured I'd share my story to let others know that you're not alone and this happens probably far more frequently than we can imagine.

Like everyone else here, I'm overwhelmed by reading all of these experiences. I'm terrified by what happened to me this weekend while blackout drunk, and this hasn't been the first time I've found myself in such a situation. I got off of work early and had a few glasses of wine at the bar I work at, as well as the bar next door. I was alone and after drinking more than an entire bottle by myself I was feeling friendly so I popped into the Irish pub on my walk home (this was my big mistake, I should have just gone home). There was only one man sitting at the bar, and he recognized me as he was in the bar I work at earlier in the evening. He greeted me enthusiastically and told me to sit next to him, which I did. I quickly downed a Manhattan which was a mistake (liquor is what gets me in trouble) and when he suggested grabbing an uber to go to a bar a couple of miles away I complied enthusiastically. My memory is spotty from then on but I remember him kissing me at the other bar, I think I wanted to get away from him because I ended up outside sitting on a picnic table at a food truck with a group of sketchy men. I don't know how I was acting or responding to these men but I'm quite sure a few of them were trying to taking advantage of me. Next thing I remember is BOLTING down the street into some neighborhood trying to get away from the man I came here in the uber with. My final memory is being passed out on the sidewalk with these strange men touching me inappropriately and taking full advantage of my helpless state. Thank GOD they left me alone, as I woke up on the sidewalk with the sun coming up and I was able to walk the 20 minutes home with the aid of my phone which I'm so lucky I still had. I cried the whole walk home, partly because I was ashamed and terrified but mostly because I was grateful I made it out of that situation in one piece.

Soooo I’ve just started a new job and have only been in the office a few times due to lock down so was looking forward to meeting some other people in other departments but stupid me overdid it like I always do! Blacked out but remember a gay guy pushing me down my head to make it look like I was sucking his d… which I obviously took offence to which must be what set me off, my daughter came to pick me up and said I was yelling and swearing at a lady there (I THINK I know who it was) o feel like trash, reading these comments have helped me a bit so thanks everyone but I’m really dreading Monday and I feel like it will be brought up, I feel worried and scared, don’t know if I should bring up what happened and now feel like a total fool. I usually like to drink alone at home but after this I’m giving up! Good luck with everything everyone 😙

Well, since it helped me reading through these I figure I'd share some of mine
I get really gay and horny when drunk and start making out with friends sometimes. Thanks god they are still my friends. And I always do it in public to make it even worse or in front of other friends and I still remember shocked looks, they actually haunt me and I might have some PDSD from it because I sometimes randomly remember the looks, scream or say the "f" word out of reflex and my muscles move involuntarily, like a small seizure for a second.
I am a regular at a club and am known for being a drunkard. Probably the biggest. One time I could not close my pants and asked the bouncer for help lol
One time, I got wasted, probably one of the worst nights, and I was unable to walk Aline so 2 friends brought me home. I insisted them to write one of the guys I made Out with before to write him I really love him. Haven't heard from him since.
This one is not too bad and it was last week
and I actually decided to quit drinking after. I remember talking to people, apoligizing for misbehaving in the past then I blacked out but stood up again only to be thrown out by the bouncers because I was suddenly bleeding heavily out of a small cut in my finger I somehow got into a emergency car.

Hi everyone. Im 29 years old and engaged to my beautiful fiance who i have a baby daughter that turns 3 months today. My fiance has been a stay at home mom since she had the baby ,i know she wanted to socialize and get out of the house so i told her to go out and have fun while i took care of the baby . She went out with one of my best friends girlfriend and 3 other female coworkers, they all hit it off and had a great time ,also this was the first time some of them met my fiance and hung out with her. I ruined it all , everything.
Two of my friends came to have some drinks at home while we waited for the ladys .I am a drinker ,i drink every day , usually wine or scotch.
All i remeber is i lost control , when my fiance came back home with all the girls i could barely stand straight and she was furious ( i dont blame her one bit) she started screaming at me and i lost it , i called her horrible names and when my friend tried getting in between us i shoved him against the dining room table, i threatened to kill everyone and threw up all over the place .
I woke up confused and with no memory of what happened and i realized i drank a whole bottle of jameson .My fiance was locked in the room and told me she didn't want to see me , i tool the day off from work and i go in tomorrow . i dont know how to show my face , im embarrassed , i feel like a waste of life and i want to die .
Everything i do is for my family, I love them more than anything in rhis world , they are my life.
But i let them down and i dont know how to recover from this.
Its not the first time ive had an angry drunk episode .
I think its time for me to stop drinking completely.
I hate myself right now.
Reading all these stories has helped me get through the day.i have bruses on my body and my wrist some how got cut, i think its from punching a hole in the wall.
Ive been goimg to therapy for my anger issues and now i dont know if i should also go to an AA meeting lol
Its as if i am repeating my childhood except im not the scared child , im the angry man with the bottle.
Well its time change i just dont know where to start fixing this mess i made.

I do have a problem with when to stop, especially when I’m upset.
The other evening I went for a few casual drinks with my partner and she caught an argument with me about a very small thing and really it was blown out of contrast. She stormed out of the Irish pub we live nearby that I go to here and there as it’s very nice and the bartenders are very friendly Irishmen.
After she left I was frustrated and had a few more drinks which threw me into a tailspin brownout. I got very chatty with everyone at the bar and a man was bothering me and wouldn’t leave me alone. I shoved him out of the bar and I feel like I made an ass of myself. I think perhaps the bartender understood but I still do not want to go back there ever again and hopefully won’t see the bartender in the neighborhood as I sometimes so.
Additionally I might have left without paying accidentally. I truly believe I paid but part of me thinks I may not have which makes me feel terrible.
I was thinking of possibly sending a card to the pub with an apology note and some money to cover the cost. I really have no idea if I paid. It is 50/50 but I think worth it likely to just send the money.
Or should I just be done with it and avoid the place altogether?

I’m awake lying in bed cringing about my behaviour last night. I was out with work colleagues knocking back brandy’s and it all hit me at once. I always get like this and I promised myself that I wouldn’t get drunk with work as I don’t want them to see that side of me. Feel absolutely awful and so embarrassed I only hope that I didn’t make too much of a show.

I was blackout drunk on a Saturday afternoon and my husband and I were fighting with everyone and ourselves. I went to his parents to get my son and midsentance forgot what I was going to say and it was so awkward and they knew I was drunk so theater texted my husband that they needed to talk to us so then my husband calls him and they were fighting and my father in law said we were bad parents because our daughter was with a friend and we didn't know where she was so I randomly called this girls mom and flipped out on her but I can't even remember what I said. We talked about it later when I snapped out of it and everything was fine but I can't get over it and I feel like suicidal. I just can't stop having this feeling and I hate myself now. I think this is rock bottom for me.
Help me

I feel a little bit relieved that I am not the only person experiencing blackouts and all the aweful things that come with it even though these stories are quite sad. I am one too to black out easily... I am in need of wanting to talk to someone about the experiences I have been dealing with. Its funny because I never used to black out this easily but this year has been awful every time I have consumed liquor.
I have 3 short stories to tell and one long one.
The first not so bad time was I think in May when I was at my boyfriend's friend's kids birthday party. I ended up mixing a little of cognac and tequila and I was told I was just dancing around silly and what not, so it wasn't all that bad, but my boyfriend wasnt that happy about it.. And mind you he is not a drinker. He just doesn't like it and doesn't choose to drink. Which is good. But I woke up the next morning and forgot how we got home or when we even left.
The second occurrence was a little worse. It was now the next month and we had a graduation celebration for my boyfriend's friend that was at a house. We're all hanging outside, nothing too crazy. Vibes are good or whatever. I feel like sometimes when me and my boyfriend is out together he doesn't really hang out with me much, so wherever he is at the event I always have to go to him just to check in or see what hes doing.. Its kind of annoying sometimes but I wanted to have a good time. Im honestly a homebody, I don't go out much at all and I don't have any friends so I only go to events my boyfriend gets invited to with his friends. I wasn't going to drink that much, but I feel like its hard when everyone around you is just like "shot shot shot" every like 10 mins or so. So Im taking shots and next thing you know I have a little blackout. I was wearing a low tank top that I had to always pull up during the time and I guess I was tryna be funny when my bra was showing to some of the girls I was sitting with drinking, and I slipped out my nipples to them a couple times. I guess I was also being too friendly with some like random fat guys dancing around - not with them - but also taking snapchats with them on their phones or something (which I wanna say they are absolutely not my type and not the least bit attractive to me) anyways I guess I was being a little too "ratchet" and embarrassing my boyfriend so he decided to just drop me off at home and on the way to the car I guess I threw up in the driveway and he ofc had to carry and drag me in the house. I didn't know he went back to the party but when he came back home to wake me up and confronted me about what I did and what had happened I was still drunk. And being confronted I didnt know what to do so I just said "okay don't be with me then" and so he dropped me off to my moms down the street that night and we took a little break.
*SIDE STORY OF OUR RELATIONSHIP*
(this is me venting I guess)
Mind you.. our relationship has been very toxic on and off for 3 years and although this year has been better than all the other years we have been together, there is obviously still things we needed to work on... those 3 years used to always be on him because he used to treat me like crap due to his breakup with his ex wife that he was with since for like ever which he has a kid with and now barely sees only so often.. and when I met and got with him I had to deal with all the damage and all the bad that came with it. I went through literally hell and back with him, but we could never let each other go for some reason. He knew how he treated me, but didn't come to realization of it only when had our breakups. At the time, he had only loved me because I loved him. Because I stuck around and dealt with it all.
The last big breakup that we had was last year probably around the same time as now, he had pushed me to my limits of not understanding how I felt about alot of situations and so we decided to cut it off and I was absolutely heartbroken this time. I was a mess and I was slowly getting over him as time went by. But of course, the usual happened, and he had realized all I have done for him and all the things I wanted good out of the relationship like more quality time spent, simply just doing things together and other things. He was extremely depressed, he wasn't himself, wasn't eating well, wasn't all there. He was smoking weed and casually drinking (which he NEVER does) but because he thought he had finally lost me this time. He even asked for my hand in marriage 🙄. I didnt fall for it but he kept at it for months trying to talk to me and beg for me back. My heart honestly just wasnt there for him at the moment.. I was already slowly healing from the break up and wanted to get over him. But after weeks and a month or so of that, that went by.. I gave in. We promised to make this relationship better and really make it work this time. And so we did. In December when we got back together and it was NYE after the countdown, he asked me to be his girlfriend again. There was still some things that happened shortly after we got back together, but we didn't give up. And I knew he really loved me this time...
*anyways back to my drunk occurrences*
So back when I had the second occurrence of my drinking becoming a problem, I was so sad about what I did, I wanted to try my best to fix it and even though he was very upset still about the situation, he gave me a chance to make it right. I told him "maybe I do have a drinking problem. I will really quit this time and that will be it. I want to be better from it and learn from this." And so every event that we had come to I told everybody no. Im not drinking, I quit. Blah blah.
*SECOND SIDE STORY TO MY VENTING*
(I promise this all connects to my occurrences you just need back story lol)
Now its maybe.. July-August.. and now we're kind of going back to same pattern. Lack of effort with him and me being misunderstood. No quality time spent with each other anymore. He has been going through alot of things that I have always tried to make better about it. Hes been unemployed since February and he hasnt wanted to look for a job because he has now been dealing with plague psoriasis that has taken over his scalp, skin, nails and it all. Hes been depressed for months about it and just kind of sits home and play video games all day. Hes been insecure about it and feels embarrassed if he tried to go back to look for a job and get interviewed and all that. And I feel for him. I understood. I took care of him. I was also unemployed at the time and months before that, actually when we broke up in October last year, I lost my job due to being laid off from the pandemic. I searched around for jobs for months and finally landed a good job at the end of April (just in time for his birthday), for great pay and just about 5-10 mins from me. I was happy, I even started going to the gym and really worked on myself. I even bought him a whole pc setup. The desk, the chair and some new headphones. He had the pc already (which I won for him in a raffle) and monitors he has already. It was great. He loved it. Anyways those few months was great. Everything was going good until our relationship kind of slipped up. I was starting to do everything by myself again. All he would pay attention to was the video games and I was sick of it. Come to find out he was playing with some girl on one of these games. Almost every day that I had no aware of. I confronted him about it and he said "ok fine. Im not gonna argue with you about. If you dont like it then ok". Which means what? I was assuming he wasnt going to play or make conversation with her but he still did continuously. Knowing that I know and how I felt about it along with how i felt about our relationship slowly going sideways again. And so because I felt he didn't care and wasn't taking my feelings into consideration. I slowly started to drink again. I broke my promise. I know. To myself. And him. But I was angry. And so stressed out with our relationship. If he was doing whatever. I was going to do it too. Also during this time I had lost my job again due to my company not having much work to do for me. So now I am behind on bills, and in debt and so much more... anyways,
The third occurrence we had another kids birthday of his friend's to attend. And I decided to take a drink. I wanna say this was sometime beginning of September. I was drinking tequila this time and even though I was sort of drinking a little much, I was able to control my drinking. Towards the end of the night was a litttle fuzzy but I was aware and lasted longer than I usually do lol I was even able to tell my boyfriend I was ready to go home.. either before or after I threw up.. but yeah. The next morning he was showing signs he was upset but it was whatever to me. I wasn't acting crazy or being embarrassing. I thought I handled pretty well.
We had an arguement maybe a few weeks later after I brought something up to him and he had brought up how I broke my promise. But I only did that cos he wasnt taking consideration of my feelings! He was slowly not caring about the relationship anymore. And I just wanted to let loose a little! After that discussion, that was that.
After that last time I drank I only casually drank at home with his family or just by myself. Maybe a truly or some soju, tequila one night. But I wasnt acting like anything. I did fall asleep one night in the bathroom tho so I dont think he was too happy about that.
Ugh now. My last occurrence which was this past weekend on Saturday. (im trying to breathe as I vent this one out...) it was his mothers cultural blessing ceremony. We're asian so we had monks come to the house to bless his parents marriage. I wasnt sure if I wanted to drink because I actually drank the day before with my mom and her friends just a little bit but came back home early so I could wake up early for the ceremony. My stomach was a little uneasy so I didnt really want to. But my boyfriend's sister.. invited his babymother to the house. She had came after the monks had left and the ceremony was kind of already over. But I had to pretend I was okay with her being there. Now Im not bitter, and I don't care for her. But I did feel some type of way about her being there for something that should only be friends and family. Unless it didn't have anything to do with his daughter (which she could have just dropped off if my boyfriend wanted her there), I felt she didn't need to be there. Once again I felt I wasnt taken into consideration. And even though he wasn't the one to invite her and I really don't have a say in who should be invited because that is his family, why wasn't I slightly even considered about? Anyways, she left after staying for a couple hours. And we started drinking. Everything was fine and dandy. I checked on him like I usually do since he doesn't really hang around with me.. I was fine one minute, the next.. everything terrible has gone wrong. I completely blacked out. I guess his babymother had came back that night to hang out. Mind you this is all just friends and family. I was now bothered by it because why is she even here lol. And because of all the stress that I have been bottling in for so long, with our relationship, and things I have been dealing with on my own in my life, and how I felt about her being there.. I went absolutely crazy. I didnt know anything of what I did or what I woke up from my blackout. Heres what happened..
I guess it all started with me seeing or finding out that his babymother came back to hang out. I was told I was crying and tripping about her and making it a big deal that she was there even tho they weren't doing anything or really making contact at all. I was being drunk and aggressive. I knocked over drinks on the table on purpose and so some teenage kids that was there, his niece's they went to bring me upstairs and from what I remember thats when I slightly woke up from my blackout. I was changed out of my dress and in sweatpants and a tanktop so I dont remember changing but they weren't letting me out of the room. They were keeping me from going back downstairs because I guess I was so drunk they just wanted me to stay in my room so I don't cause trouble. (Oh yeah I forgot to mention that we live with his family) But anyways I was still so upset I guess about his babymother being there and was even more upset that they wouldnt let me go downstairs.. (his neices are about 13-14 years old) I guess I hit one of them trying to get out the way, I was saying something nasty and inappropriate to them, I told them I was going to jump out the window if they wouldnt let me go. I guess one of them used my phone to call my mom to pick me up and they called his sister to come because I was acting crazy. Like literally crazy. And so I guess I finally was able to go downstairs and (oh I also forgot to mention that he was also drinking. And he doesnt drink, so he was also very drunk at the time), I guess I got into his face, and he pushed me and I fell and tripped over something. Mind you this is all in front of everyone and his friends. I guess I tried to take my karaoke machine that they were using but failed to. Now I don't remember how I got outside but I was outside barefoot and I was so angry that I climbed on top of his car, in the rain, trying to smash his windshield with my hand and my arm as hard as I could saying, "Why why why." Thats when I ran into his sister and her friend, which is the mother of one of the girls that was also upstairs. My mom got there when all this happened outside and his sister dragged me to her to get into the car. I was sobbing and still screaming about whatever I was feeling. I finally got home to my moms house and I was sitting there balling my eyes out questioning myself. Repeating out to her saying that I loved him, why doesnt anybody care, why doesnt he love me, why am I always the bad person. All this stuff.
The next morning.. I felt like absolute, complete crap. I was hungover, my hand and arm was bruised and I only remember slightly what happened. I didn't know all of what I did until Monday when I decided to gain clarity from his sister. After she had told me, my heart sank.
What is wrong with me. Seriously!! This is probably the worst of the worst blackout drunk experiences I have ever had. And I would have NEVER thought I would ever act like how I did. Doing that to the kids, saying inappropriate stuff to them, trying to go out the window, going downstairs to make a fool out of my self some more. I guess I even threw fish sauce at someone. Like ugh. I am absolutely disgusted with myself. I havent been able to sleep or eat. And if I do sleep my sleeping schedule is all messed up so Im mostly up at night and sleeping during the day. I been depressed ever since this happened and once again I have made made a fool out of myself because of not being able to control my drinking. Fine one min, doing something crazy while blacked out the next. And I just wanna say I was never like this beforehand, last year and so on. I used to be able to drink and be able to hang but no matter how many times I have tried to limit myself and tell myself to just have a good time dont push it, it never works out. Along with so much happening in my life already- losing my job once again, being so behind on my bills, and in debt, my credit score going down, not to mention that now that my boyfriend and I have broken up because of this, I am back at my moms but It don't feel the same. It doesn't feel like home. She made my room into a stroage room/her closet, and moved the furniture around. All of my things are still currently at his house along with my cats that I cant bring to my moms because she had just gotten rid of the fleas that my cats had when I brought them over to visit, and I don't know if they're fully gone to bring them back over. Not to mention that my mom has been using my car since February because shes been without a car since and I let her use mine while I was using my boyfriends because he didnt need it for work or anything so I was using his car when I was working at the time. But now she wants to fully take over my car in no regards that the car is mine? Like.. Im obviously going to need my car back for a job I been trying to get. I am just going crazy and don't know what to do with myself. I won't forgive myself this time and Im sure my boyfriend won't either. We actually havent spoken at all since the occurrence, until I decided to send him a long voice memo yesterday (tuesday) apologizing and some other stuff. All he replied was "You’re not allowed here anymore. I’ll drop off your stuff when I have time." My heart hurts. His family probably hates me. I never thought I would become aggressive like I did and let something like that bother me. I don't want to blame the alcohol but you how could I have known what I was doing. When your so drunk like that and have your emotions take control of you, how can you stop somebody. And what Im even more hurt about is the fact that they just had some kids to bring me upstairs instead of my boyfriend himself or a family member. I wish somebody could have just pulled me aside to calm me down and talk to me instead of making feel and look even crazier. I just don't know what to do and honestly.. what I did is hurting me more than the breakup. I have never regretted anything more than this. Its absolutely killing me. I love my boyfriend more than ever, I can't picture being with anyone else, I would do anything and take a bullet for him. And as much as our relationship has been toxic, I go crazy not being able to be with him right now. But this is really all on me now. This is my fault. But in my heart I wish it would have been different if someone just cared enough. I will seem like the villain and the bad guy for now because of what I have done. But I was misunderstood... no one cared... No one will see how I felt or what I was going through to begin with....
Thank you for reading - if you did read. I know it was alot. I needed to vent because I have literally no one. No friends, no one to turn to for a shoulder to cry on... but I will continously beat myself up about this situation and I will never feel okay. And not having my boyfriend right now in my arms along with everything else happening in my life.. I don't know how I will feel okay. I don't know what to do with myself...
s.o.s. I been feeling like maybe it would be easier to end my life.